When people announce that they are expecting a child, it is a very exciting time, and plans for a celebration can quickly come around. Thoughts turn toward the future and all of the ups and downs that parenthood will bring with it. While a lot of parents are lucky enough to have a smooth pregnancy and birth, some aren’t so lucky, and some have to face the tragedy of miscarriage. This is very common, but that fact doesn’t make it any easier when and if you are faced with these circumstances.
It can be a cause of deep grief and take a long time to heal, just like other losses of loved ones, albeit a more unique kind of mourning in a lot of ways. When a couple you know and care about shares the heartbreaking news of a miscarriage, it can be difficult to know how to react or support them, so here are some suggestions if you are feeling concerned over friends or relatives in this situation.
Ask Them How They Are Doing
It can be tempting to avoid the conversation for fear of causing further pain, particularly if the couple or one of them hasn’t said much about it to you. However, it is important to ask them how they are doing, whether you ask them together or individually. The latter might be better, as some couples might feel more comfortable being open about their feelings when they aren’t in front of their partner, particularly if they are concerned with upsetting the other, but this isn’t always the case. The reason it is important to ask this question is that you will be acknowledging their loss and allowing them to speak freely about their grief if they want to. If you don’t ask, some couples might feel that they are unable to bring it up in case they make others uncomfortable. They might also think that some people don’t appear to understand the significance of their loss.
Listen to Them and Be Mindful of Your Words
It can be difficult to know what to say to anyone who is grieving, but when a couple or individual loses a child through miscarriage, the circumstances can feel more difficult to navigate in some ways. This is why it is a good idea to sit back and listen to them rather than trying to rush to words of comfort. Letting them talk through their grief and other emotions during this time will not only provide them with a safe way to get things off their chest, but it's a good chance for you to better understand where their minds are at this time. You might want to avoid responses like ‘everything happens for a reason and ‘you can try again,’ as although these might sound comforting on the surface, they can often be dismissive or tone-deaf when it comes to the depth of the loss they have suffered and are feeling now.
Send a Thoughtful Gift
Another way you can show your support and express that they are in your thoughts is by sending sensitive, thoughtful gifts. Although gift-giving might seem strange during a time of grief, these small tokens can make a big difference and help them feel seen, and their grief acknowledged. If you’re not sure what would make an appropriate gift for these circumstances, look at these thoughtful gifts for miscarriages for some examples.
Invite Them to Social Engagements
They might not be feeling up to mingling with friends during this time, which is perfectly understandable, but it’s still important to ensure you’re not risking them feeling excluded, too. By continuing to extend invitations to social engagements with your group of friends, you are letting them know that you’re still thinking of them and want them to be involved. Of course, acknowledging that they might not be up to this and telling them that you understand that is still important, but they will appreciate that you are trying to make the effort and letting them know everyone is still there for them.
Offer Help with the Basics
A couple or individual who has suffered a miscarriage might find that carrying out basic tasks is difficult due to depression, or they might be in physical discomfort in the days and weeks afterward. Offering to help with some basics like doing a grocery shop, picking up dry cleaning, or anything else that they might need assistance with can be a good way to show your support.
It's always hard to hear people that you care about are suffering from a loss, and it’s even worse when they are grieving over the loss of a child. Miscarriages might be common, but they are incredibly difficult to deal with. If you want to show a couple or individuals that you love some support when they are going through this, consider the suggestions above.
